There we were perfectly safe, continuously warm, always nourished, and weightless in the amniotic fluid. Upon birth, we leave an ideal life. Being born is the first stress that we have to experience. The infant goes into shock: he must breathe his own air, the temperature is cooler, he feels his weight and he is no longer directly nourished by his mother. In order to overcome this enormous stress, the link of affection comes into play to let the infant adapt himself to his new environment. Lying against his mother, he once again is in contact with the warmth and temperature to which he was accustomed, and he hears the sounds of his mother's body, which makes him feel safe in his new environment.

The first emotion experienced is being insecure about surviving: if our mother had not taken care of us, our life would have been very short. The second emotion, however, is security: through physical contact with his mother, the infant feels reassured even though his environment is hostile. The feeling of insecurity felt at birth enormously stresses the body. The heart beats faster, which monopolizes the blood, and effectively slows down the functions of other organs. This stress completely disappears when the newborn comes in contact with the warmth, softness of skin, sounds, breathing motions, heartbeat and smell of his mother's body. This drop in blood pressure and heart rate stabilizes the body's functions. The body secretes a hormone that induces an euphoric state of well-being in the infant. This state represents the emotional effect of affection; one which we try to recapture again and again for the rest of our lives.

The experience of affection, like all other emotional experiences, is one cycle made up of two events. The first event is physiological instability and the second is the restoration of the body's equilibrium. One type of emotion is always linked to another emotion which is its opposite. By definition, emotions are feelings originating from reactions of our body to events in life. An event that troubles the body produces unpleasant emotions because it places our body in danger. Every unpleasant emotion brings about a need, which is defined, essentially, as a spontaneous desire to reestablish the physiological balance. This spontaneous desire is explained since we are born with the desire to live (we want to survive at any cost). However, a distinction must be made between a need and a desire: a need is linked to the body's physiology while desire is a creation of our imagination which isn't necessarily a physiological need. Feeling a need is a moment of suffering, but no-one escapes it because it is an essential part of life. The second event in the cycle is a stage where we fulfill our body's needs. Satisfying a need restores the individual and produces pleasant emotions. A period of suffering always precedes one of well-being; they are inseparable.

In addition, childbirth leaves an indelible mark. The child's first outside contact with his mother is affection in its purest form. This very emotional moment links the child to his mother for life. The attachment of the child to his mother is only linked to the affection that she gives him. All the attention that she lavishes on him are opportunities to show affection (breast feeding, for example, is an intense moment of affection). The infant lives only for the pleasurable moments that his mother gives him.

Physical contact makes us feel good because it spontaneously initiates the secretion of a hormone. The adult body experiences the same thing that it did when it was young every time it is in physical contact with another body. Affection is thus a spontaneous reaction of the body that produces good feelings. This moment of pleasure is a state of regression: the body regresses during a moment of physical intimacy up to the point of becoming a newborn baby. This phenomenon uses the body's memory. This is why once we are an adult, in order to experience emotions associated with affection, we must integrate feelings of weakness and fragility. In other words, to feel defenseless like at the moment of birth. This emotional abandon occurs if one is in good mental health or is emotionally stable. Since emotions correspond to the body's reactions to events that occurs, physical abandon and emotional abandon are one and the same.

As for the hormones responsible for well-being, they regulate our body's functions when we receive affection. Blood circulation improves and the liver functions at its best. Production of neuro-transmitters rises; like when we take antidepressants. Our heart rate and base metabolism lower (the body needs fewer calories to live). Our eyes relax and our pupils dilate, our breathing becomes slow and deep, tension in our muscles drops, digestion is better and our brain functions at its best. I compare this to a therapeutic body treatment: after a session of affection, the body is purified and re-energized by an internal cleaning which keeps the body healthy by optimizing the proper functioning of its organs. During an exchange of affection, the body's physiology works under ideal conditions. The functioning of all of our organs is optimized. Our immune system is reinforced, making us less susceptible to disease. And last but not least, affection makes us more resistant to stress in our lives.

Psychologically, affection is a source of motivation. When we live in an affectionate relationship with someone, we are less often depressed; intellectually, we are more effective and more productive at work or at completing our tasks in general. Affection eliminates anxiety built-up over time.

In the definition of affection, there is the meaning "to take care of". A baby receives affection from his mother when she nourishes him, bathes him, changes his diaper, etc. A baby needs affection because he is completely dependent on his mother for his survival and well-being. As we grow older, we become less and less weak. Adults, in spite of their independence when it comes to taking care of their bodies, must remain in contact with their sense of vulnerability that appeared at the moment of their birth, in order to benefit from of an exchange of affection. To express this feeling within us, we must have good self-esteem.

Showing our vulnerability in front of someone else requires great psychological strength. Self-esteem is proportional to our ability to accept our feelings of weakness. Even if we are responsible and independent adults, inside us, we are still fragile. It is from our original feelings of vulnerability that we feel the need to have social contact. Loneliness and isolation are situations that make us suffer. Life is a precious gift: anyone can die unexpectedly from a disease or an accident.

Our emotions of weakness are linked to melancholy, romanticism, loving desire and sadness. We must also protect our feelings of vulnerability by hiding behind masks, especially in front of those who can take advantage of our weakness' to emotionally manipulate us. We are an adult because we can hide our feelings, but our vulnerability makes us weak and defenseless like a baby. In fact, we remain an infant in the deepest part of our being.

A baby receives affection from his mother but he is unable to give love back - he is like an sponge that absorbs all of her emotions. It is not an exchange of affection because the child is not there to fulfill his mother's needs. In an exchange of affection between two adults, they are both at the same time emotional givers and receivers.

The need for affection, like the rest of our behaviors, is an unconscious and unspoken goal to satisfy only ourselves. This is what I call healthy selfishness. The mother affectionately takes care of her infant because she receives great emotional benefits from it. Her body needs this activity to achieve well-being and to experience great joy. The baby profits from his mother's healthy selfishness who gives him the affection that he needs for his physical and psychological health.

The child, while becoming gradually independent, develops the ability to establish affectionate relational contact. He can react both as an emotional giver and as an emotional receiver. To show affection to our partner, we need to love her and feel comfortable in her presence. To love, is to abandon ourselves to the well-being that we get in the presence of another. This state of well-being is like a breath of fresh air. But to emotionally receive our partner, we must develop love for her. Love comes from our intelligence and consists in considering our partner as the most important person in our life and to treat them as such. To be able be affectionate with our partner, we must be able to perceive them as being the prettiest, finest, smartest person there is and to be able to open up to them in order to receive their feelings of vulnerability. To receive affection, we must be in touch with our sense of weakness.

Sexual desire is different from the need for affection because it is regulated by our hormones. It sets off our attraction and our interest in the other sex. A woman's sexual desire stems from the desire to have children; it controls her sexual behavior and pushes her to seduce the man of her choice. Man has constant interest in the opposite sex due to his hormones. As soon as he is chosen by a woman, he practically throws himself at her because that is the best gift that life can give him. Man's sexual desire stems from his need to copulate and experience the pleasure of ejaculation while a woman unconsciously desires to copulate in order to reap the benefits of childbirth. In reproduction, the profit for a man's body comes at the moment of the copulation while for a woman, it occurs nine months later, after childbirth. This is why women and men differ in their points of view about sexual desire. Rather, it is through an exchange of affection that men and women can be satisfied at the same time.

Since sexual desire only appears at puberty, the need for affection is not confused with those needs in a child. At that age, affection fills the need for security in its purest form. This is why the affection that we give our children does not have any sexual connotations.

With the littlest amount of physical contact with someone, emotions linked to affection arise instinctively. But the instinct of affection can be clouded by an unstable emotional state. Also, a woman's sexuality is different from a man's. If a man is uncomfortable emotionally, he can bypass his need for affection and go directly to the root of his sexual desire. He only desires copulation to ejaculate. His sexual need monopolizes his emotional activity while for the woman, since the benefit of her sexual desire doesn't happen at the moment of sexual relations, if there is no exchange of affection, she doesn't receive any pleasure.

Women and men experience the same type of emotions during an exchange of affection. However, since the woman's body does not profit during intercourse, but long after, she does not have the same sense of urgency that a man does. In fact, the presence of stress is necessary for a man to maintain his penis' erection, which puts him in a state of urgency (this erection allows for the stimulation of the gland in order to instigate ejaculation). This emotion leads man to desire to be finished as quickly as possible with foreplay in order to ejaculate because it relieves the tension; any release in the tension procures well-being.

The drop in tension associated with ejaculation induces the secretion of a hormone leading to a state of well-being, but tension implies the presence of suffering. Having an erection therefore makes us suffer. The body, secretes a hormone to fight the suffering so that we feel pleasure in having an erection. The sensation of well-being and relaxation after ejaculation comes from accumulation of this hormone in the blood during the period of time that the man has an erection. The sudden dissipation of suffering leads to a surplus of calming hormones. This excessive quantity of sedative hormones makes us calm down. This is why men have the tendency to fall asleep shortly after sexual relations.

Ejaculation gives men muscular relaxation and a state of pleasure. It corresponds to attaining the objective of his sexual desire. Each satisfied sexual need is followed by a moment of well-being. Childbirth corresponds to the woman attaining her goal of sexual desire. As soon as the woman delivers her baby and holds it on her stomach, she experiences a great moment of well-being. During childbirth, the woman suffers immensely. Her body secretes a large amount of hormones to lessen this suffering. Like ejaculation, calming hormones are in surplus in the blood after childbirth, making the woman feel pleasure. This pleasurable state is in addition to the joy of seeing her baby: it is an intense moment of happiness for a woman.

The woman lets go of her feelings of affection easier because she does not experience feelings of urgency like the man does. Since the woman's sexual desire is not fulfilled during sexual relations, the only profit she receives is the state of well-being from emotions linked to an exchange of affection. The only direct sexual response of a woman is the lubrication of her vagina. Men's sexual behavior is thus the woman's hormonal control. The woman's body entices the man to provoke a physical reaction in him so the woman's body can obtain specific emotions. If she loses this form of spontaneous control, her vagina will not lubricate. "We don't enter a place where we are not invited". Feminine sexual behavior is thus characterized by a feeling of welcome. This is why the woman gets to choose her partner and not the opposite. The woman plays the role of the hostess and the man, the guest. Any man who penetrates a woman without being invited is committing rape.

The most beautiful gift than life can give a man, is to let him be chosen and welcomed by a woman. In giving into a woman's emotions, we thank Mother Nature and life for this favor. This abandon lets a man forget his feeling of urgency when he has an erection, to take advantage of the emotions of well-being that intimate contact with his partner gives.

Exciting the woman's clitoris does not make her suffer like a man's erection can. She does not experience any suffering during a sexual relation. The stimulation of her clitoris gives her pleasurable feelings, but it is not the only source of her pleasure. Her pleasure comes from a combination of actions: those of feeling loved, caressed, smelled, the sight of her partner's body and its smell, and the sound of his voice. The woman is pleased in a sexual relation only if there is an exchange of affection. The same goes for a man; it is not ejaculation that gives him the most pleasure, but rather the feelings that the woman makes him experience during an exchange of affection. The pleasure that comes from ejaculation only lasts ten seconds while the pleasure of physical contact can last several hours.

This is because physiological sexual reactions are so different from one sex to the other that it is important to explore the area of affection, because it is at this level that man and woman can experience it together. In a dysfunctional couple, the two partners both have low self-esteem. They are incapable of affectionate exchanges in this situation. The result of this is the woman does not receive any pleasure from sexual relations. And the man only wishes to use his partner to fulfill his need to ejaculate. This relationship is not equal since only the man is getting some pleasure out of it. But in reality, neither the man nor the woman derives true pleasure from this type of relation.

The absence of affection in a couple produces perturbed feelings. This discomfort is a source of anxiety, health problems and emotional suffering in a couple. Perturbed feelings will appear if we are uncomfortable with the emotions that arise during physical contact. A man unable to let go physically uses his pleasure to ejaculate like a mask. This prevents him from noticing that his sexual relations cause him emotional suffering even if they seem to be satisfactory to him; but a sexual relation is a source of well-being for a man only if he is comfortable with his emotions of affection. It is in letting go with our partner on an emotional level that a man can fully benefit from a sexual relation. The main thing that satisfies a woman in a sexual relation is affection. Without it, she becomes an inflatable doll that is used for masturbation.

Affection can not be separated from a love life between a man and a woman. It is more the affectionate relationship than a sexual one which unites them as a couple. Affection is good for their psychological and physical health. People who live together as couples are in better health and live longer than those who are single. A couple where there is no affection suggests the presence of conjugal violence. Violence makes people insecure and affection reassures. There is not a vast array of different relationships for couples. There are only two: a relationship where there is love and one where there isn't.