The nervous system is divided into two parts: first, the central nervous system is made up of the brain and the spinal cord; second, the peripheral nervous system which is made up of receptors, muscles and glands which are linked to the central nervous system by nerves. The peripheral nervous system is bi-directional. The afferent ways send information received by the sensory nerves to the central nervous system where they are processed. These nerves correspond to our sensory organs: hearing, smell, sight, taste, and touch as well as other internal nerves in the body to control balance, walking, pain, etc. Other nerves are used to stabilize the metabolism of our body (like blood pressure). The other direction, efferent ways send the results of the analysis made by the brain (information received by afferent ways) to different parts of the body so that these will react in a way that will protect us in case of danger and assure the proper functioning of our body.

The peripheral nervous system efferent ways are divided into the somatic nervous system and the autonomic nervous system. The somatic nervous system send instructions from the central nervous system to the bone muscles so that we can execute the movements necessary to walk, run, sit, get dressed, etc. Our muscles are therefore the only part of our body which we can control from our intelligence.

The autonomic nervous system, on the other hand, controls all the rest of our body's functions, without us even noticing. It innerves the smooth muscles such as the intestines, the heart muscle and the glands producing hormones. The autonomic nervous system is divided into sympathetic and parasympathetic systems. Starting in different parts of the spinal cord, these two types of nerve endings generally produce opposite effects on the organs needing a double enervation. Thus, the heart is accelerated by the sympathetic system and slowed down by the parasympathetic system. These two opposite actions let the body have precise control over the functioning of its organs. The role of the autonomic nervous system is wide and important to the control of the homeostasis of the internal medium (stabilization of the metabolism allowing for survival). Overall, the sympathetic system helps the organism to face constraints imposed by the environment while the parasympathetic is responsible for regular functions, for example digestion, defecation and micturition. The sympathetic system comes into play during emergencies or strong emotions like fear or anger while the parasympathetic system is active mainly during recuperation and rest. It is by the intermediary of the sympathetic nervous system that a response is given to a situation requiring a fight or flight reaction. For example, the sympathetic system causes an increase in the blood flow to the active muscles during exercise and maintains the blood pressure in case of major blood loss. It reduces the activity of the digestive tube, raises the production of energy by metabolism and increases sweating, all changes which ensure the adequacy and use of energy in an emergency.

Affection is one of the involuntary behaviors managed by the autonomic peripheral nervous system, including the body's reaction to cold. This system sends the information to the brain about the outside temperature. Once the data is analyzed, the brain sends signals of actions to take to stabilize our temperature. The first reaction, is goosebumps, then shivering, and then the blood circulation is diminished to the extremities, and all this is done involuntarily. But during winter, we can decide to go outside without a jacket and provoke this involuntary action of the body. Thus, we can notice the involuntary reactions of our body when faced with the environment and choose situations which will provoke well-being, like getting warm when it is cold, eating foods which bring us satisfaction, etc. It is the same thing for affection - when we notice that physical contact with another person brings us well being, we opt for behaviors which favor our partner getting closer.

When there is physical contact between two people, the peripheral autonomic nervous system modifies the functioning of the body and makes it secrete hormones including endorphin; this is a natural drug responsible for the state of well-being and it influences our thoughts and judgment. This pleasure is a semicomatose state: we do not go from a state of consciousness to unconsciousness as in cerebral vascular accidents, but from a state of conscious to another one involuntarily.

Constipation can have a psychological cause. In fact, digestion and intestinal mobility are reflexes controlled by the autonomic peripheral nervous system and can be affected by the superior nervous system. This is how anxiety and depressive states diminish gastric motoricity while fear and aggression intensify it. These responses are not always predictable and an apparently identical emotional state can manifest itself in opposite ways in two individuals. Pain, no matter what its origin and provided that it is sufficiently intense, inhibits gastric movements. The inhibition of motoricity is linked to a drop in the parasympathetic tone and an increase in sympathetic activity.

Inhibitions blocking the reflex of affection come from our psychological difficulties such as fear, shame, etc. All of our problems are linked to our lack of self-esteem. Physical or emotional abandon, characterizing affectionate behavior, signifies that we gave up and that we let ourselves be controlled by the involuntary reactions of our body during physical contact. Just as being psychologically troubled can cause constipation, not respecting our partner lowers the parasympathetic tone. Psychological inhibitions activate the sympathetic nervous system and put the body in a state of alert. In this context of degradation, like in a case of fight or flight, physical contact will produce a contrary effect to affection by raising the heart rate, muscular tone and adrenaline secretion. Consequently, this state of discomfort makes it impossible to have an emotional exchange. Since emotional illness pushes to center ourselves on our thoughts, we lose ourselves in our reflections and judgment. This behavior of escapism in our intellectual world is a mask isolating us emotionally from our partner.

The fact of having fantasies during a sexual intercourse can inhibit our affectionate reflexes. As we have a relatively constant degree of sexual desire, at the image of our hormone production, we possess a vigilant sexuality. We are thus always ready to ejaculate. No matter what time of the day or the situation, we immediately stop our activities no matter what their importance if our partner invites us to have sexual intercourse. Our sexual physiology is genetically conceived in such a way that the most urgent thing, after the fact of nourishing ourselves and drinking, is sex. Since the woman produces hormones which varies throughout the cycle of ovulation, their interest for sex also varies. Their sexuality is in hibernation, we must have something to set it off to awaken it. Thus, a woman can go without sexual relations over a long period without suffering, as if she puts her sexuality away in a drawer. On the other hand, the absence of sexuality causes anxiety in men. The single man must masturbate to lower the stress coming from his imperative need to have intercourse and ejaculate. Erotic fantasies are thus needed for stimulation in masturbation and it is an activity which contributes to the maintenance of our psychological equilibrium. But when our partner is available for a sexual relation, we don't need our imagination because they are present in flesh and blood. By wishing to fulfill a fantasy, we plan the sexual relation and we premeditate our actions.

Affection is not something we can plan. It is done spontaneously. From the moment when we plan actions that we will do during a sexual relation, we introduce control. For example, if we ask our partner to give us fellatio, we become focused on this desire with our reasoning and that cuts us off from our emotions and those of our partner. In these circumstances, we are no longer in a relationship with her, and we are using our partner as an object to masturbate with. On the other hand, we can imagine during masturbation that a woman is giving us fellatio, but we can not decide what is going to happen during a sexual relation. If our partner spontaneously gives us fellatio, the erotic pleasure will be experienced in a spontaneous manner. Fellatio will become an affectionate gesture rather than being uniquely sexual.

During an exchange of affection, erotic imagery spontaneously surges in our head, without consequences. Seeing that affection is total mutual abandonment, everything that is genitally or sexually experienced, is done in absolute respect. In fact, we don't risk experiencing unfavorable emotions from our partner by asking them to do certain sexual gestures because above all spontaneity is important. In the same way, our partner can't ask us to touch certain parts of their body and in such a way since that would be something specified which will inhibit the reflex of affection.

On the other hand, with our mind, we can do things to prepare ourselves or to favor the appearance of spontaneous behavior of affection. From the memory of our thoughts, our state of mind and the gestures that we have had during affectionate relations, we can reason out this experience to discover if such a gesture that we have done produces such an effect on our partner and makes us experience such as such emotions afterwards. The main preparation is valuing our partner. We must continually invest time in the relationship, discuss things, be attentive and thoughtful to activate the parasympathetic nervous system allowing for the appearance of affectionate behavior. With the experience of exchanges of affection that we acquire with time, we learn to better value our partner and to develop gestures which will make pleasurable emotions emerge in our partner.

Affectionate behavior is written in our genetic code like everything that we do spontaneously, like smile, blush, fear and cry. Affection produces a chain of chemical reactions at the level of the body to reestablish the balance necessary for its proper functioning. Our body is made to receive affection and it will always react in the same way, from one hug to another and one person to another. Each way of touching, positioning ourselves and squeezing our partner produces different effects in her, but which will lead her to an emotional state of pleasure.

Body odors also serve as a trigger of affection. They lower the sympathetic tones and raise the parasympathetic ones. The odor of our partner has as the effect of lowering our defense mechanisms and our masks in order to give in entirely to the sensations that her body will make us feel. Emotional abandon can not be materialized without the presence of body odors. They modify our state of consciousness and they allow us to center on our partner. The most important sensory organ in affection is smell, followed by touch, sight, hearing and finally taste.

The following physical factors inhibit affectionate behavior. Hunger, thirst, the need to go to the bathroom, sickness and fatigue. When we are sick, nasal congestion makes us lose at the same time both our sense of smell and feeling of wanting to have an affectionate relation. Hunger puts our body in a state of survival, raising our sympathetic tones. When the need to go to the bathroom arises, we lose our ability to concentrate on what we are doing. Headaches or any other form of suffering activates the sympathetic in order to fight the suffering with hormones. Fatigue is a warning for our survival. When the body needs to recuperate, the sympathetic secretes a sleep-inducing hormone diminishing our level of awareness and concentration.

Inversely, we can initiate affectionate behavior by raising the parasympathetic tones. This will happen if we eat until we are satisfied, if we sleep well at night, if we are not suffering from any physical illness, if we are not sick and if we do not have to go to the bathroom. Thus, the most favorable time of the day for an exchange of affection is in the morning, after breakfast.

Different psychological factors inhibit affectionate behavior: the milling over degrading thoughts about us and our partner, outside worries of the couple, like work and hobbies, conflicts and lack of communication in the couple, power games, stubbornness and anything which creates tension in a couple. Consequently, these tensions put the man and the woman on their guard and raise their sympathetic tones. Recall that the sympathetic enters into play when we are in danger, whether it is to flee or to defend ourselves against an aggressor. For an exchange of affection to take place, the relationship must be secure.

It is therefore very reassuring for our partner to know that we find her pretty, intelligent, fine and sweet, that we consider our relationship together as more important than our work or hobbies and that we worry a lot about her. To make our partner feel secure, we must rapidly resolve misunderstandings, give her confidence, listen to her and negotiate the differences that can be produced. For example, my partner wishes that I call her if I will not be home on time for dinner: by forgetting to call her, she will worry, which will continue if I hide from her the true motives of my error. By not resolving these disappointments, a tension will be created which will provoke disputes in a couple. It is very reassuring for our partner to know that we don't hold anything against her when she does things that disappoint us.

The more the relationship is secure, the longer it will last. So, mutual confidence in a couple comes from a feeling of security. This confidence prevents a break-up at every single problem. In a situation of overwork, for example, when we lose our temper by getting upset because she forgot to do something important or broke something precious - this doesn't automatically mean that this is the end of the relationship. Knowing the level of attachment that unites us, we will not feel guilty and she will not hold it against us. Our partner will have confidence in us if she knows what to expect from us at any time. Consistency, in our moods, in the care that we give her and in the time that we set aside for her, creates a climate of confidence. Our great availability to fulfill our partner's needs contributes to reassuring her.

Man must make more efforts to reassure a woman due to biological differences. Thus, the woman's body emits messages of tenderness while the man's body emits messages of aggression. By our muscular strength, we are potentially a danger for our partner. We all know that conjugal violence is caused by psychologically disturbed men. Very few men feel physically menaced by women. In fact, they don't need to do much so that we feel safe in their presence - just by looking at their bodies, we feel good. But there is a climate of continual distrust between men because they are adversaries and potential enemies. Women, in a biological sense, are not adversaries of men.

Complimenting our partner is a means of making her feel safe. By its emotional content, a compliment is always an authentic and true confirmation while flattery is a unhealthy manipulation in order to obtain something without giving anything in exchange. (For example, by saying that our partner is pretty just to receive sexual favors). Complimenting our partner is not premeditated, it is an emotional and spontaneous reaction on our part. A compliment starts from the feeling of well-being that the presence of our partner brings us. Our sincerity contributes largely to make them feel safe because she detects our authenticity from our emotions. With a secure climate, we raise our parasympathetic tones and our partner's also, thus favoring an exchange of affection.

Since a couple's reason of being is the presence of affection, the goal is thus to do everything to maintain a secure relationship so it is possible. Thus, we must avoid provoking shame and stressful situations. In a relationship, our only goal is to reassure our own and our partner's well-being. Seeing that affection is spontaneous, it is something that we can't learn how to do, but we can learn to recognize behaviors which inhibit physical abandon. The goal of my book is thus to give us ways to favor the appearance of affectionate behavior. When we are at ease with our spontaneity, we can decide at any moment to have an exchange of affection even if we can't predict the process. The more it is easy for us to give in to it, the more frequent our exchanges of affection will be.